Time, it's unforgiving and relentless, just like my inner voice
Time doesn't stop to smell the roses, it carries on, ever forward into the dark goodnight.Unlike time, I've been slowing down the last few weeks and taking stock. Sometimes I look around and wonder how I've ended up in a particular situation, like life is something that just happens to me and I have no control over any of it. That's thankfully not true.
So there are a few facts in life that I know to be true: Deadpool 2 is out soon, villains don't always have a curly moustache or a posh British accent, and change is something you can make happen for yourself. Accepting what life has given you and thinking you have no other option is a helpless thought many people allow to run their lives. I have been one of those for too long, thinking that someone else's behaviour was my fault or that I had to accept or forgive it.
Standards are not only something you are allowed to have, I actively encourage you to have them! The amount of times I've heard friends say "well, it's not ideal but", I mean... I've said it myself countless times. I've dated the wrong guy, because I convinced myself that my expectations were outrageous, when they're not, that's just the low self esteem speaking. People nowadays tend to mock anyone who is confident, who has a voice, an opinion, who dares to put their thoughts out into the world. We're a society of "mean girls".
We all do it at some point, put someone else down for trying because we don't have the confidence to do anything and they do. "How dare they!" my inner voice shouts. Do they not know I struggle out of the house in the morning hating my face, my laugh, my voice, my personality, my body that I bundle into a tent and hope no one looks at? And then there's the people that feed that inner voice we have, making us think that they like us despite all that, rather than helping us see that we're fabulous and worthy, that the inner voice shouldn't control our life.
I am ashamed that I let my inner voice turn me into a self deprecating person. Because after years of saying I don't deserve to be treated nicely, I see that the world has believed me and people have been taking me up on the suggestion for far too long. "Treat me like I'm worthless" my inner voice says, I wear it shamefully on a t-shirt. "I don't deserve your respect", "I don't deserve your honesty", "I don't deserve mindful treatment".
So I've spent a few weeks now thinking about this. Looking at how I treat myself, how I put myself down when anyone offers me a compliment, how I bash my own appearance, my own talent, my own feelings. And I say talent, and I cringe at the word. Because some people will hear me say I am talented and they will mock me, call me big headed, point at my art and call it ugly... but that's more about them than about me.
There is a beautiful truth to this world: you only HAVE to let people into your life that you WANT to. You get to make that choice, that's all you. Someone treats you like crap? Cut them out of your life. Time will carry on long after you're gone, but the time that you have here to live, that's finite. Don't waste time on people that will hurt you, on people that don't care enough to treat you with every ounce of respect you deserve, even if you are being unkind to yourself.
I've dubbed this my year of finishing stuff. The next thing I'm ending is my self deprecating comments. The next time someone compliments me, I will accept it, with gratitude. I firmly believe that if you treat yourself like you are worthy of a love that isn't just passionate, but gentle and kind too, life will give back what you put in. Call it Karma, call it religion, call it mindfulness... the name isn't important. Be kind, compassionate and gentle with yourself, because how else will the world see how you're supposed to be treated? If you treat enough people badly, it'll come back around a bite you in the proverbial.
I'm starting my self respect and confidence building change with a new fitness regime, my own personal coach and a change in lifestyle that I'm more than ready for. Change is a terrifying prospect. I keep hearing a voice in the back of my mind saying "but, you'll have to get off the couch, and you love the couch!". I am quite anxious about starting a new health and fitness kick, even though through it all I'll have the support of other people going through the same things as me and a kick ass coach. Do you know what I also feel though? Excited, anxious to get started, thrilled knowing that I'll start to see results that will be life changing, over the moon about getting out of the rut I've been stuck in... and above everything else I feel happy. I'm happy that I finally feel enough respect for myself and my body to make a positive change, rather than indulging an extra hour or two to that inner voice that wants me to care about what people think.
Because you know what? Let people think I have a big ego, let people think I am overconfident, let people think that I walk around the place like I think I deserve the sun AND the moon. I have to spend the entirety of my life with me, wouldn't it be insane to spend my whole life telling myself I'm less than and expect others to treat me any differently? "It's ok guys, I really hate myself because I'm worthless, but will you love me and be kind to me?" I've tried that out for 31 years with adverse results, what's the worse outcome being kind to myself could have?
I recently sat down and thought about all the things I would not forgive myself for if I didn't fix them before it was too late. The list wasn't long, thankfully. And whilst some things it's too late to fix, because life is cruelly short, others were still within my control. I will be eternally grateful for the people on my list that made me realise that the things I consider unforgiveable are few. So far thanks to deciding I deserve better I now get to know my two beautiful cousins who have grown up into talented women that I'm in awe of, I get my Spanish heritage back, and I even get a Chinese step mum.... because why not? 2018 has been a year of revelations, and we're only in April. Some have been amazing, some terrible... but that's how you find out who to let in and who to cut out of this life. You just need to decide if your self worth is worth it, and as someone who is trying, I promise it feels a billion times better than continuously putting yourself down and still wondering why you're on the floor.