Silver Linings

The first time I remember experiencing fear I was four years old, I'd started a new school in a new country and I went and hid in the bathroom. This was probably my first encounter with anxiety. Not knowing what is going to happen, the unknown, or not known how to do something are really big triggers for me. Of course, at age four all I knew was that I was in a room full of strangers and it suddenly made me very uncomfortable. Hiding in a small bathroom, with four walls and a closing door, felt like safety. That is until the teacher came to coax me out of there and back into the classroom. As life would have it, anxiety was not something I grew outgrew. I suffered it when I had to go to school after being picked on by the older girls the day before. I suffered it when I thought I didn't look pretty enough, or thin enough. I suffered it when there was a test at school, usually in PE because back then physical exercise was not something I loved! I'm sure you get my point,...

I love inktober. A whole month of drawing prompts, calling for ink based drawings. It’s definitely my type of challenge. And I do love a challenge! I’m not sure when I first picked up a pen to doodle, or even when I first picked up a pen to properly sketch. It was years ago now, but it can’t have been that long ago, as it wasn’t something I ever did at art college. Firsts are something I always romanticise. Always have. Maybe it’s because firsts stick with you. First day at school, first time you ride a bike, first pet, first kiss, first love. The older you get the more import these firsts have. My first story I ever wrote was about a little boy who made friends with a robot. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before. My first ever “completed” novel was called Santos, and it’s a supernatural thriller with gargoyles that come to life and a prophecy that’s been waiting for the right person to come along a fulfill it. This first novel was completed in one month, during my second attemp...

It took me 31 years to learn that I was needlessly worrying about not being perfect, and not only that, I was expecting everyone else to be perfect too. I have started and restarted this blog post three or four times within the last couple of months. And the thing is, I still don’t know how to express my feelings in a perfect package. But that’s kind of the point of this post I guess... Perfection is an illusion. It’s a farce. Once you really know that (and trust me I still have days where I feel perfection is possible), you’ll be happier. Am I saying you should give up on your ideals? Nope. I am saying you'll have to compromise certain things, but you should know where your boundaries are, don't lose sight of those. Asking me what I want can sometimes be a bit like asking me to perform a quadratic equation... As in please don’t. I'd probably be better at solving the math problem than at pinpointing exactly what it is I want. Does anyone really know what th...

Or how anxiety and my chronic illnesses like to make pals and render me temporarily useless.  @KarinaLawrence on twitter @karina_lawrence on insta I just spent the better part of 3 days in agony, not being able to eat and having nightmares when I managed to fall asleep. Finally being on the other side of this feels like absolute heaven, even though the chronic illnesses that caused it are never going anywhere. I also know from personal experience that there are people that are way worse off than me, and they're my absolute heroes and keep me fighting for a better quality of life. Eight weeks ago I decided to stop letting my illness dictate what I could and couldn't do. Now, my illness is just as stubborn as I am, so it's more a case of balancing the scales in my favour. My two goals are to get stronger and be healthier. The difference between this latest case of my body attacking itself and the numerous others I've had over the years? I knew the causes, fr...

Just like puppies aren't just for Christmas, mindful treatment isn't just for everyone else around you. If you're anything like me, taking care of yourself hasn't ever been much of a priority. Sure, you probably "reward" yourself with the odd treat, often food (we'll get back to that subject later), sometimes new clothes, books, games (whatever brings you instant joy, you know what it is), but you're not actually taking care of yourself. Eight weeks ago, amongst other things, I was constantly dehydrated from not drinking enough water. It made my headaches worse, I was cranky and tired, and my skin did not look great. Yet I was aware that I should be drinking a couple litres of water a day, it wasn't something I discovered for the first time at age 31 and felt absolute horror that no one had told me about before. I knew I should be drinking more water, but why didn't I? If you're a pet owner or parent would you leave them without enoug...

Now, I can already hear you grumbling because my brain is too, but stick with me here. You may think that treating a passion like a job is a bad thing, but that's probably because you don't like your job. Or maybe you love your job, but it's tough and hard work. Either way, you most likely dedicate at least 8 hours, probably more, to your job. You put yourself together, leave your baggage at the door and give it your best. Every. Damn. Day. For the entirety of your working day or night, you do your best to (at the very least) stay employed, do well enough to get paid, take money home. I don't know anyone who works because they want to, but they must exist, and they are most likely doing something they love, and are passionate about, for a living. What are you passionate about? Deep down. What would make you not only want to dedicate eight, ten or sixteen hours of your day to it, but you would willingly do all day every day for a living, if only you could. Now, so...

How long would you dedicate to change your life?  A day, a week, a month, a year? It is, after all, the only life you're getting. So you better be prepared to take what you want while you can, as it may well be the only chance you get. How about three weeks? Just 21 days, to change the way you live your life. It's not a lot but somehow it might just be enough. Research shows that small changes can become new habits within just 21 days. The bigger the change though, the longer you'll have to dedicate. But lets start with three weeks to make a small change, that first step. After hurting my foot and having to cancel a trip I sat at home wondering this very question. Did I hurt myself because I had become so out of shape? I looked in the mirror and the stranger on the other side shrugged, jiggling about the extra pounds that had formed over the past few months... Well, self pity wasn't going to do anything for my mood, my figure or my career... In fact, the only one...

Time doesn't stop to smell the roses, it carries on, ever forward into the dark goodnight. Unlike time, I've been slowing down the last few weeks and taking stock. Sometimes I look around and wonder how I've ended up in a particular situation, like life is something that just happens to me and I have no control over any of it. That's thankfully not true. So there are a few facts in life that I know to be true: Deadpool 2 is out soon, villains don't always have a curly moustache or a posh British accent, and change is something you can make happen for yourself. Accepting what life has given you and thinking you have no other option is a helpless thought many people allow to run their lives. I have been one of those for too long, thinking that someone else's behaviour was my fault or that I had to accept or forgive it. Standards are not only something you are allowed to have, I actively encourage you to have them! The amount of times I've heard frien...

When life throws you a curve ball, shout plot twist and keep going. @karina_lawrence on insta   That’s what I’ve learned from my years of writing. Sometimes the unexpected just happens, and it shocks you, but you should never let it stop you. Knowing what your goals are in life is important, and I find that no matter what else goes on around me, I always have those to keep me on a steady course. This month has been all about tightening up skills. It’s good to have focus, I find if I don’t have a goal I flounder, and I don’t look great in yellow and blue stripes (please tell me at least one of you got that joke). It all goes back to when I was seven and I decided I wanted to be an artist. I would copy cartoon characters from comics and tv shows, the x-men and Dragon Ball characters were top of the list. But as time passed I wanted to be seen as more grown up, I started writing poetry and wearing black. I was a very young goth and clearly very self important... some things...

This year for me is all about finishing things I’ve started. My faithful cat, Kimi @karina_lawrence on instragram Last year ended with me feeling stuck in a rut. The same things seemed to circle back around like my life is a never ending loop of events. The same feelings, the same fears, the same anxiety. So I decided this would be the year I finish things... you know that long list of stuff you halfstart or half plan or intend to do one day? This is my year of tackling that list. Some are small things, like I keep taking up French and not practicing it enough. I’m happy to say I’m on a perfect streak in my Duolingo learning app. It might not be the degree level French I dreamt of as a kid, but I’m finally putting effort into learning and practicing what I consider one of the most beautiful languages in the world. I’ve started sketching again, finishing small art ideas like this one... where I mix my passion for yoga and nudes... Shoulder stand by Karina Lawrence on Redb...

Life unfortunately has no rule book, no set of instructions, and no guarantees... well, maybe death and taxes.  I’ve started 2018 in a very different situation to where I was when 2017 began. Although for most 2017  was a tough year, my year had some really high highs. I got a job I enjoyed, in an industry I'm passionate about, using skills that were otherwise going to waste... I got experience I needed to move on, I was just not expecting to have to move on so soon. For nine months 2017 was all smooth sailing, personally and professionally. I created more art than I have done in years, collaborated on multiple writing projects and progressed the novel I've been working on for the past 15 months... (more on that to come) The final three months of the year felt a bit more like skidding on my knees over gravel. Good things came of that too though... I will always try to find the silver lining in any situation. Things I learned last year: 1. Digital art It was some...

Time for the first #throwbackThursday of the year.  Writing poetry has always helped me pull out the weird voice in my head and give it a good talking to. The sticky thoughts that clog up my daily routine are easier dealt with on paper. My mind likes to find a rhyme, the rhythm of poetry synchronises with my thoughts and it’s something I’ve always felt in tune with... no matter what anyone else thinks, I love poetry. And I’ll never forget the creative writing teacher who told me poetry was just not for me... it always reminds me that you can’t let anyone else define you. Be who you want to be, live how you want to live. You get to make your own rules, and only you can bend them. Sirens Her ghoulish teeth dripped with spit  Sharpened claws caked with grit And still, she approaches And still, you allow it Her mouth expels hate and bile  Foul sounds behind a smile And still, she approaches And still, you allow it Broken bones inside your ears ...

  I've been feeling pretty down lately, worse than I have in a while. I couldn't shrug it off, couldn't put my finger on what the actual issue was... but something has been feeling wrong. Maybe just the holiday blues? Maybe I'm (definitely) feeling insecure? Maybe I should put this drink down...? I've spent some time thinking of possible reasons... and for a girl with a good imagination that's probably not a great idea. Each option has become increasingly wilder and more plausible. Overthinking is the enemy. And then today one little conversation made me realise what the issue is. Doing nothing makes me unhappy! To the core. By nature I'm a busy person. Don't get me wrong, I like the unusual chance of getting a lie in... but that's just it! I enjoy a lie in because it's unusual. If I stayed in bed every day until 10 followed by a day on the couch I think I'd go insane. My mind needs structure and organisation... which is sort...

 Sometimes life just gets a little busy... especially during the holidays I have a way of getting carried away with life. Work, socialising, family... dating. They all seem to find some of my time, they all have a place in my life. Pausing to take stock isn't something I always get to in a hurry. Weeks will pass and my well intentioned hour of writing turns into an hour of cheering up a friend who needs my time. Giving that up isn't who I am, and I knowingly let my writing suffer sometimes. But I enjoy making people happy, it's where I find the most joy. And although writing is a passion, I find that there's always a quiet 2 a.m. on a Saturday that I can devote to a self indulgent chapter in a novel or a 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning I can dedicate to perfecting a smile on a painting. People are what life is about, a novel won't keep you warm at night. With all that said, I know that the holidays exacerbate this so called problem, and once the cold January nights...